Wednesday, July 28, 2010

don't give them what they want, ..give them what they long to feel.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

dream: tues. 7/27: the quake of the Spiritual.

I had a dream of a mounting, slow-coming apocalypse. i knew it meant something, because i could feel it at the the pit of my stomach and a ringing in my body and head that seemed to cause an ache when I awoke.
I feel I let myself drift and dip heavily into that .. upon sleeping.  I set myself up for dreaming something that could/should/might as well have been truthful.

In my dream, i noticed the sky at the atmosphere had the hint, look, and color of a saturated heaviness before rain. Everything was colored a deep, foreboding gray. the color was a dusty, tan that seemed to cause dark contrasts on the eyes and skin. It was almost as if the atmosphere had this slight, constant, changing wind or breeze.. like dust weeds rolling along in the desert. it was as if the outside of every house; exterior of every building was disheveled and broken down into. no one bothered having locks on their doors anymore, because crime did not matter- yes it happened, it was prevalent- only because there was something weighing heavily on their souls.
I remember when the apocalypse happened, ...i was in the middle of a steady... slow-budding ..intricate.. silent energy waves ...romance. it always tends to be that way doesn't it...
right in the middle of something illuminative.. and warm; something safe and undetecting. something like this happens.
I always wondered what it would be like to "fall in love" ...in the middle of the apocalypse or at the start of the end of the world. when movies like 'twister' or 'war of the worlds' came out, everyone was so intent on  the story line, the condition of safety for these characters.  of making it out safe.. the outcome. for me, my mind was reeling; ..it was bemused over the fact of the possibility of falling in love at the start of the apocalypse. I would remember thinking that everything between them would be at it's most heightened, elemental state of emotion, need and sensation. their heart, minds, and bodies were at the moment of finding out this uncertainty would be reaching out silently for something tangible, true, and detrimental. something riveting and yet still.. revolutionary in this time of unknowing mixed with fear.
..kind of like falling for each other during the holocaust. ...something along the lines of julia and winston '1984', but less ominous on the intent of something purely for emotion or rebelling to prove a point.
I remember his hand being so soft in the dream, his eyes dark, and his face always pointed towards the forming darkness in the horizon. The only way that i could describe him and his demeanor is almost through a song that i came across.

he is completely, yet incomprehensibly detached from me, in a sort of romantic way. i felt the warmth of his hand, but i also felt the wildness and enthrallment in his nature. I felt that he could not (ever) Save me at this time of my life. I felt it for myself too. .. it was formidable.
I felt it inside of me and even now writing this after my eyes are beginning to sober from it's truth-telling sleep and it's heavy, intoxicating dream. I know this temperature of the atmosphere in my dreamscape, tells and reveals a lot about the inner temperature of my inner spiritual walk and my outward feelings of connectedness towards people..:
my hand is warm and endearing. comforting and reassuring.. but my eyes are completely faced outwards. ..towards the horizon.

I remember watching in my dream, bodies slowly floating up to the swirling mount of clouds above that formed into a portal of a suctioning black abyss. ...it literally looked as if the clouds were forming to what could appear to be the eye of the hurricane. it carried the appearance of the middle.

i remember watching the bodies lie flat,.. stomachs faced upwards, in physical ecstasy .. .yet their minds becoming dead and their eyes slowly closing and rolling back into their heads as their bodies entered into it's final stages. as the farther they floated up, the more the air around them became obsolete as it was being used as a suction to form the formidable cloud above. and the more i knew in the realization of this in my dream the more i knew the hilarium that ensued, during the apocalypse. i remember my lover's eyes looking solely towards the bodies lapsing, dying and floating upwards - longing to be "a part" of something supernatural or spiritual.. but in reality, it was really an entrancing, fixation on the unknown.. when they were really just jumping (upwards) to their death.
but really... that was what was so apocalyptic about this whole nature. becoming so engrossed with dying, because they no longer could control how to live.
but that was what brought me to face my own semblance during the uncertainty of the unknown during my dream.
for the first time, fear displayed heavily in the piercing seat of my chest. it was a like a hot wave of invisible fire encasing and flowing throughout my mind to the realization of this during my sleep cycle.

throughout all the years growing up, during my silent play sessions alone when I was a little girl, talking and thinking to God,.. i always thought about the end of the world.. at such a young age, and always knew.. that whatever would happen...I had no reason, no cause to fear. and for the first time I felt this.
I felt this so strongly like the wave of reality just hit me and I always knew the tide was slowly forming and now that it hit, I had no control of it.

during my dream, I remember being disenchanted..in such a mournful and discontent state. no. not for the fact that the apocalypse, .. the soul less, spiritless environment had now reaped itself on the physical state of mankind-I literally felt that everything "Eternal" had picked up it's roots and disengaged itself from the earth.. now life was dying- it was more along the fact that I was now experiencing fear,.. and it was because I felt like my vine was detached from the eternal one.

i felt like all my life, i've had the warmth of Eternal blood flowing through my veins from an unknown King at such a young age, and ever since then, my mind and identity have been solidified. When everyone else around was seemingly crawling to find their  (piece of mind).. i literally felt like something Eternal was fueling me.. keeping me safe.
And in this dream... it was gone.

I woke with the reality of this Streams of Living water ... were not flowing, ever-so-slightly and forming through my veins.
and for the first time,....i felt the reality of "spiritual starvation".. Spiritual hunger..detatchment and suffocation.

At the end, of my dream i remember watching faces of people i know writhe in pain and wild fervor  uninhibitingly stare at me in the face, then throw themselves "upward" towards the dark scape of their own death of oblivion. and, it wasn't until running into one recognizable person in my dream did I realize the uncertainty of my own fate.

I looked her in the eye, and:

"aren't you scared? ..how could they possibly be doing this?
...what is going on." i silently breathed.
she stared at me with unfixed eyes, her eyes creating holes: first warming, then burning holes into my existence. she stood unfettered yet passionately intentional.

"..samantha..it's absolutely beautiful. It's riveting. .. arent you?"
i looked at her with a confused almost livid gaze, ...waiting to remark in protest and take on the typical opinion, ..mindset, and reaction of the masses.
... i felt the wave of remembrance; the wave of emotion of my childhood hit me,...  the widening realization of spiritual Reality ensue and...
  her eyes glaring back, intensifying:

"you shouldnt have been afraid..
 what's happened to you?.."

Monday, July 26, 2010

We've only become close, in such small increments  of time.
Thank you BennyLoco,
for staying ...al(tru)istic.

album review coming soon.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

movie 'the fall' plus editing photos to oblivion. feels perfect

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

animalistic agitation.

i have something Dangerous expelling from outside of me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010

look on flickr

fashion week has bitten me with the hardest sting.

 from event to event.. industry to event,
people here are not as intimidating as you'd like to believe.

we all bleed the same.

losing time with You

i just need some solemn soundtrack... some morose tune. the kind that helps you shut yourself up in a room, a quiet morning... a contemplative, intensifying afternoon. ..  the moments of pressure before the rain can fall.. or a stillness that seems to slice the air: i just need a moment alone with God, to face myself.

I lay here.. oh Lord.. oh you of glorious Wonder..
I lay here silently, and have you heal me.

knead me. in a new form..
just talk.. to me, is all I Ask of you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

i live off of coffee and wafers,... i forget to eat most of the time. and, my mind works like a canon faced inwards and a sniper rifle towards out. 
and this time of night is too dangerous for me. i place the tv on mute, because it makes me angry yet set the lights off because i enjoy it's glow. i love the nightlife.

i had so many holy, tangible, otherworldly, prophetic, and Godly encounters today..that i'm truly in awe.

more on this later.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

already embodying winter: Winter 2010.
-infamous black/white striped
-gauze, pirate, translucent shirt
-circa 1998 clog heels
-pale skin, hibernating eyes

ive yet to do better than this.
there is something about embodying winter (an idea)
to cause the blood to flow, fervently.

more later.

..no one will fully know the heart entanglements you've caused.
.. i dont think you'll fully want to bring yourself to know that realization. because deep down inside, i think you know it.
and you know what is so strange?...i think partly your physical diversion of it, is because you're afraid of one gaze. one step into the stratosphere will give all your unnerving secrets away..
 one main reason, if not any, is the fact that i possibly .. am the only one on earth that can truly sense it, without you having to speak a word.  something inside of me can only catalyze with you to sense the truth, and it infuriates you.
in my eyes...i've only sensed something of unattainable beauty, saving it and unhinging it from it's undeserving grave you built for it. the closet of bones that you have checked back to that bare "seemingly" pristine place in the ground to make sure it will never be noticed. ...without you having to speak it, to me i have already seen it.
since when did something so pure,..so untouched and truthful, cause you so much anger, hurt, and resentment? ..but when looking upon it- ..looking upon her-..your eyes glazed over into the calm and solidifying, holy beauty of truth just for that moment in your life...
and then all of a sudden,  as if you never tried to regret anything in your life, except for that one instance. you obliterated it.
i think part of the reason, ..is you know. and it screams terribly, like a fire within you. like a heart beat through the floor boards,.. like the ticking of a clock no one else hears. that you are the one who erradicated this holy moment, and the only thing you can do now is view it in red. or toss it in jest with frivolty.. even deadening the senses has now been your biggest jest. your own internal antithesis. your own makeshift of washing away.

even long past the scent of her smell and the essence of her voice now fading into the back; from it's ringing in the atmosphere of your memory; the "washing away" with beer to deaden it's intense yet sensual glow of evocations she set forth to placate your mind; the feeling of warmth that wrapped around your exterior and gave you a malty-flavored Peace of Mind when she spoke words of wisdom has long since been gone.

your hearts ache at the seat of your chest and the belly's deepest pit, has roamed as it's only direction the invisible streets and layers of every variety of emotional connection to duplicate or ingest at least one ounce of that lost moment.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

today ive hit a new order of madness ... it hit my veins while driving down familiar roads tonight. it felt like the atmosphere was heavy with gawking eyes.

i feel the tide turning. and it's shifting at a violent, erupting,
 beautiful force.

i asked God to tear me apart
in the greatest of ways. 

more on this conjure when i return.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I got to spend most of my moments alone in the city.. i feel it is the most provocative and evocative connection, to stare people in the eyes.
 to feel the weight of one glare of a connection  to another... I felt as if they knew I meant them no harm. I would watch intrinsically and meticulously at the smallest sign of their face softening. their eyes glaring, opening like flowers to the sun or intensely looking away. ..I wonder what they were afraid of.
I feel I had  a certain forcefield evoking from me, bringing people to engage silently with me. certain people, not everyone. ..the people tended to laze and unwrap themselves in front of  me. I was the sentient, opening my pores to feel the weight of the atmosphere and people around me.  I wanted to  feel the energy and mindset of the majority that people carried.

walking alone, i never felt unsafe. walking in illuminated areas with illuminated moments.. i myself witnessed invisible revelations evident in people and relating to myself. secret revelations planted within me, not yet revealed and felt so heavily in the atmosphere.

these are the things that reveal themselves in a dream later, i feel i involuntarily saturate them within me, and they expel in colors so vibrantly in revelatory truths in my dreams.
i also got to share a few moments with my sentient friend; i feel... our nonverbal communication speaks immaculate wavelengths and emblems in our bodies and revelations in our minds, with just a few moments sitting together.

I miss you, ..but I really don't.

Monday, July 5, 2010

leaving suburbia and welcoming the fall and rise of new babylon.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

 (flickr) for more of the attributes.

tonight felt like the apocalypse.. and i felt nothing but a peace come over my body.

 as i watched my city go up in smoke... with a mixture of shattered, fragmented light. i felt the air and atmosphere mix with a saturated half-closed eyelid remembrance tonight. walking in the midst of dewy air, i felt my roots pick up and leave long ago; i strained my eyes for any signs and my heart feeling to the invisible corners of the room of this broken town;  displaced and no longer have roots meant to be planted here. ..how is it? that a road with the same streets of adolescence look so empty to me. how is it, ,,that these faces that, when looking upon them melt into mixes of warmth of vanilla memories of "home" not really find an opening for me in them. if looking upon them at all, they're hollow in structure but blank in appearance. slowly bidding me "farewell", knowing that my existence with them is formidable. 
i've left this place long ago,,. i left it in a moment of thought months ago somehow. if i were to disappear and evaporate, it's as natural and inevitable as rain dissipating from a summer sidewalk in the morning, it's residue only welcomed and met during those sweltering summer nights. 

i've transfixed and left my life and mind somewhere else. ive left this place long ago.
it'll only be a month now, until my body has yet to meet up.

isnt that the way that these things go?.. really. 
it should. 

thank you angelica, for this. and the silent moments that carried your essence within me tonight:

"who would fare better in this world of Fitful time? those who have seen the future and live only one life? or those who have not seen the future and wait to live life? Or, those who deny the Future and live two lives?" -'einstein's dreams'