..no one will fully know the heart entanglements you've caused.
.. i dont think you'll fully want to bring yourself to know that realization. because deep down inside, i think you know it.
and you know what is so strange?...i think partly your physical diversion of it, is because you're afraid of one gaze. one step into the stratosphere will give all your unnerving secrets away..
one main reason, if not any, is the fact that i possibly .. am the only one on earth that can truly sense it, without you having to speak a word. something inside of me can only catalyze with you to sense the truth, and it infuriates you.
in my eyes...i've only sensed something of unattainable beauty, saving it and unhinging it from it's undeserving grave you built for it. the closet of bones that you have checked back to that bare "seemingly" pristine place in the ground to make sure it will never be noticed. ...without you having to speak it, to me i have already seen it.
since when did something so pure,..so untouched and truthful, cause you so much anger, hurt, and resentment? ..but when looking upon it- ..looking upon her-..your eyes glazed over into the calm and solidifying, holy beauty of truth just for that moment in your life...
and then all of a sudden, as if you never tried to regret anything in your life, except for that one instance. you obliterated it.
i think part of the reason, ..is you know. and it screams terribly, like a fire within you. like a heart beat through the floor boards,.. like the ticking of a clock no one else hears. that you are the one who erradicated this holy moment, and the only thing you can do now is view it in red. or toss it in jest with frivolty.. even deadening the senses has now been your biggest jest. your own internal antithesis. your own makeshift of washing away.
even long past the scent of her smell and the essence of her voice now fading into the back; from it's ringing in the atmosphere of your memory; the "washing away" with beer to deaden it's intense yet sensual glow of evocations she set forth to placate your mind; the feeling of warmth that wrapped around your exterior and gave you a malty-flavored Peace of Mind when she spoke words of wisdom has long since been gone.
your hearts ache at the seat of your chest and the belly's deepest pit, has roamed as it's only direction the invisible streets and layers of every variety of emotional connection to duplicate or ingest at least one ounce of that lost moment.