I feel I let myself drift and dip heavily into that .. upon sleeping. I set myself up for dreaming something that could/should/might as well have been truthful.
In my dream, i noticed the sky at the atmosphere had the hint, look, and color of a saturated heaviness before rain. Everything was colored a deep, foreboding gray. the color was a dusty, tan that seemed to cause dark contrasts on the eyes and skin. It was almost as if the atmosphere had this slight, constant, changing wind or breeze.. like dust weeds rolling along in the desert. it was as if the outside of every house; exterior of every building was disheveled and broken down into. no one bothered having locks on their doors anymore, because crime did not matter- yes it happened, it was prevalent- only because there was something weighing heavily on their souls.
I remember when the apocalypse happened, ...i was in the middle of a steady... slow-budding ..intricate.. silent energy waves ...romance. it always tends to be that way doesn't it...
right in the middle of something illuminative.. and warm; something safe and undetecting. something like this happens.
I always wondered what it would be like to "fall in love" ...in the middle of the apocalypse or at the start of the end of the world. when movies like 'twister' or 'war of the worlds' came out, everyone was so intent on the story line, the condition of safety for these characters. of making it out safe.. the outcome. for me, my mind was reeling; ..it was bemused over the fact of the possibility of falling in love at the start of the apocalypse. I would remember thinking that everything between them would be at it's most heightened, elemental state of emotion, need and sensation. their heart, minds, and bodies were at the moment of finding out this uncertainty would be reaching out silently for something tangible, true, and detrimental. something riveting and yet still.. revolutionary in this time of unknowing mixed with fear.
..kind of like falling for each other during the holocaust. ...something along the lines of julia and winston '1984', but less ominous on the intent of something purely for emotion or rebelling to prove a point.
I remember his hand being so soft in the dream, his eyes dark, and his face always pointed towards the forming darkness in the horizon. The only way that i could describe him and his demeanor is almost through a song that i came across.
he is completely, yet incomprehensibly detached from me, in a sort of romantic way. i felt the warmth of his hand, but i also felt the wildness and enthrallment in his nature. I felt that he could not (ever) Save me at this time of my life. I felt it for myself too. .. it was formidable.
I felt it inside of me and even now writing this after my eyes are beginning to sober from it's truth-telling sleep and it's heavy, intoxicating dream. I know this temperature of the atmosphere in my dreamscape, tells and reveals a lot about the inner temperature of my inner spiritual walk and my outward feelings of connectedness towards people..:
my hand is warm and endearing. comforting and reassuring.. but my eyes are completely faced outwards. ..towards the horizon.
I remember watching in my dream, bodies slowly floating up to the swirling mount of clouds above that formed into a portal of a suctioning black abyss. ...it literally looked as if the clouds were forming to what could appear to be the eye of the hurricane. it carried the appearance of the middle.
i remember watching the bodies lie flat,.. stomachs faced upwards, in physical ecstasy .. .yet their minds becoming dead and their eyes slowly closing and rolling back into their heads as their bodies entered into it's final stages. as the farther they floated up, the more the air around them became obsolete as it was being used as a suction to form the formidable cloud above. and the more i knew in the realization of this in my dream the more i knew the hilarium that ensued, during the apocalypse. i remember my lover's eyes looking solely towards the bodies lapsing, dying and floating upwards - longing to be "a part" of something supernatural or spiritual.. but in reality, it was really an entrancing, fixation on the unknown.. when they were really just jumping (upwards) to their death.
but really... that was what was so apocalyptic about this whole nature. becoming so engrossed with dying, because they no longer could control how to live.
but that was what brought me to face my own semblance during the uncertainty of the unknown during my dream.
for the first time, fear displayed heavily in the piercing seat of my chest. it was a like a hot wave of invisible fire encasing and flowing throughout my mind to the realization of this during my sleep cycle.
throughout all the years growing up, during my silent play sessions alone when I was a little girl, talking and thinking to God,.. i always thought about the end of the world.. at such a young age, and always knew.. that whatever would happen...I had no reason, no cause to fear. and for the first time I felt this.
I felt this so strongly like the wave of reality just hit me and I always knew the tide was slowly forming and now that it hit, I had no control of it.
during my dream, I remember being disenchanted..in such a mournful and discontent state. no. not for the fact that the apocalypse, .. the soul less, spiritless environment had now reaped itself on the physical state of mankind-I literally felt that everything "Eternal" had picked up it's roots and disengaged itself from the earth.. now life was dying- it was more along the fact that I was now experiencing fear,.. and it was because I felt like my vine was detached from the eternal one.
i felt like all my life, i've had the warmth of Eternal blood flowing through my veins from an unknown King at such a young age, and ever since then, my mind and identity have been solidified. When everyone else around was seemingly crawling to find their (piece of mind).. i literally felt like something Eternal was fueling me.. keeping me safe.
And in this dream... it was gone.
I woke with the reality of this Streams of Living water ... were not flowing, ever-so-slightly and forming through my veins.
and for the first time,....i felt the reality of "spiritual starvation".. Spiritual hunger..detatchment and suffocation.
At the end, of my dream i remember watching faces of people i know writhe in pain and wild fervor uninhibitingly stare at me in the face, then throw themselves "upward" towards the dark scape of their own death of oblivion. and, it wasn't until running into one recognizable person in my dream did I realize the uncertainty of my own fate.
I looked her in the eye, and:
"aren't you scared? ..how could they possibly be doing this?
...what is going on." i silently breathed.
she stared at me with unfixed eyes, her eyes creating holes: first warming, then burning holes into my existence. she stood unfettered yet passionately intentional.
"..samantha..it's absolutely beautiful. It's riveting. .. arent you?"
i looked at her with a confused almost livid gaze, ...waiting to remark in protest and take on the typical opinion, ..mindset, and reaction of the masses.
... i felt the wave of remembrance; the wave of emotion of my childhood hit me,... the widening realization of spiritual Reality ensue and...
her eyes glaring back, intensifying:
"you shouldnt have been afraid..
what's happened to you?.."