already embodying winter: Winter 2010.
-infamous black/white striped
-gauze, pirate, translucent shirt
-circa 1998 clog heels
-pale skin, hibernating eyes

ive yet to do better than this.

there is something about embodying winter (an idea)

to cause the blood to flow, fervently.

more later.

..no one will fully know the heart entanglements you've caused.
.. i dont think you'll fully want to bring yourself to know that realization. because deep down inside, i think you know it.
and you know what is so strange?...i think partly your physical diversion of it, is because you're afraid of one gaze. one step into the stratosphere will give all your unnerving secrets away..
 one main reason, if not any, is the fact that i possibly .. am the only one on earth that can truly sense it, without you having to speak a word.  something inside of me can only catalyze with you to sense the truth, and it infuriates you.
in my eyes...i've only sensed something of unattainable beauty, saving it and unhinging it from it's undeserving grave you built for it. the closet of bones that you have checked back to that bare "seemingly" pristine place in the ground to make sure it will never be noticed. ...without you having to speak it, to me i have already seen it.
since when did something so pure,..so untouched and truthful, cause you so much anger, hurt, and resentment? ..but when looking upon it- ..looking upon her-..your eyes glazed over into the calm and solidifying, holy beauty of truth just for that moment in your life...
and then all of a sudden,  as if you never tried to regret anything in your life, except for that one instance. you obliterated it.
i think part of the reason, ..is you know. and it screams terribly, like a fire within you. like a heart beat through the floor boards,.. like the ticking of a clock no one else hears. that you are the one who erradicated this holy moment, and the only thing you can do now is view it in red. or toss it in jest with frivolty.. even deadening the senses has now been your biggest jest. your own internal antithesis. your own makeshift of washing away.

even long past the scent of her smell and the essence of her voice now fading into the back; from it's ringing in the atmosphere of your memory; the "washing away" with beer to deaden it's intense yet sensual glow of evocations she set forth to placate your mind; the feeling of warmth that wrapped around your exterior and gave you a malty-flavored Peace of Mind when she spoke words of wisdom has long since been gone.

your hearts ache at the seat of your chest and the belly's deepest pit, has roamed as it's only direction the invisible streets and layers of every variety of emotional connection to duplicate or ingest at least one ounce of that lost moment.

today ive hit a new order of madness ... it hit my veins while driving down familiar roads tonight. it felt like the atmosphere was heavy with gawking eyes.

i feel the tide turning. and it's shifting at a violent, erupting,
 beautiful force.

i asked God to tear me apart

in the greatest of ways. 

more on this conjure when i return.

I got to spend most of my moments alone in the city.. i feel it is the most provocative and evocative connection, to stare people in the eyes.
 to feel the weight of one glare of a connection  to another... I felt as if they knew I meant them no harm. I would watch intrinsically and meticulously at the smallest sign of their face softening. their eyes glaring, opening like flowers to the sun or intensely looking away. ..I wonder what they were afraid of.
I feel I had  a certain forcefield evoking from me, bringing people to engage silently with me. certain people, not everyone. ..the people tended to laze and unwrap themselves in front of  me. I was the sentient, opening my pores to feel the weight of the atmosphere and people around me.  I wanted to  feel the energy and mindset of the majority that people carried.

walking alone, i never felt unsafe. walking in illuminated areas with illuminated moments.. i myself witnessed invisible revelations evident in people and relating to myself. secret revelations planted within me, not yet revealed and felt so heavily in the atmosphere.

these are the things that reveal themselves in a dream later, i feel i involuntarily saturate them within me, and they expel in colors so vibrantly in revelatory truths in my dreams.
i also got to share a few moments with my sentient friend; i feel... our nonverbal communication speaks immaculate wavelengths and emblems in our bodies and revelations in our minds, with just a few moments sitting together.

I miss you, ..but I really don't.

leaving suburbia and welcoming the fall and rise of new babylon.

 (flickr) for more of the attributes.

tonight felt like the apocalypse.. and i felt nothing but a peace come over my body.


 as i watched my city go up in smoke... with a mixture of shattered, fragmented light. i felt the air and atmosphere mix with a saturated half-closed eyelid remembrance tonight. walking in the midst of dewy air, i felt my roots pick up and leave long ago; i strained my eyes for any signs and my heart feeling to the invisible corners of the room of this broken town;  displaced and no longer have roots meant to be planted here. ..how is it? that a road with the same streets of adolescence look so empty to me. how is it, ,,that these faces that, when looking upon them melt into mixes of warmth of vanilla memories of "home" not really find an opening for me in them. if looking upon them at all, they're hollow in structure but blank in appearance. slowly bidding me "farewell", knowing that my existence with them is formidable. 
i've left this place long ago,,. i left it in a moment of thought months ago somehow. if i were to disappear and evaporate, it's as natural and inevitable as rain dissipating from a summer sidewalk in the morning, it's residue only welcomed and met during those sweltering summer nights. 


i've transfixed and left my life and mind somewhere else. ive left this place long ago.
it'll only be a month now, until my body has yet to meet up.


isnt that the way that these things go?.. really. 
it should. 


thank you angelica, for this. and the silent moments that carried your essence within me tonight:

"who would fare better in this world of Fitful time? those who have seen the future and live only one life? or those who have not seen the future and wait to live life? Or, those who deny the Future and live two lives?" -'einstein's dreams'