Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the breakdown... 11/28/10

i drove all night, in an aimless repetition of an attempt to appease my already quelling and eruptive soul.
..there are times when things.. just begin to unravel.
like an unleashing, of rapturous emotion that proves detrimental to my unprepared and unresolved psyche. my identity wasn’t prepared for this.

..it’s like the leaking tear of a statuesque ‘Madona’ or ..the unsettling noticeable human characteristic of a mannequin. that has too close of a resemblance of human eyes...

..this machine, this robot is leaking and breaking down.

i went out to the unfamiliar estranged streets of the night, trying to escape; traveling on endless, ghost roads, ..all enclosing  in on me.

I just tried to breathe the moist air to feel something, anything..  sweet,.. to encapsulate my lungs.
 and every look and gaze that i turned to, was a shadow; a reminder of the unreachable. and my longing nostalgia to return to the warm encircling arms of a memory.
but i felt as if my skin on this body of my new life didn’t belong there..
with every turn back, the feeling of my body burned...
both of a placation to excitement to the next level or a warning.

..every where i turned, i just wanted someone to call (home).
I just wanted to look into clear, blue eyes.. and find the reassurance that he will stay.
someone, .. someone.. someone.. must stay.

this transferrable life is breaking down... the already cold surface of my skin,
 is all i need to want the warm touch of his human nature; to remind me of my ..intrinsic human reality.  something not packaged and showcased in 'box-like’ formulation or intentions.
i feel  i’m losing my grasp on the organic of understanding.. the human nature of (true)connection..

 i found.. in between gasps of lonely air that night;..
 the blurred  vision of an isolated drive of night gazing,  in between people; street lights and quickly-swept tears.. that every gasp was  an attempt of  filling up, anything that would show signs of this reassurance.
as if it could exist for me,  for just this moment. in between breaths, if i could close my eyes and imagine it.
and let it materialize in front of me.


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