My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth.

My bones were not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, when I was being skillfully woven in an underground workshop.

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth...

psalm 139 v. 15

"So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress. "- Vincent van gogh

i came across his letters today,..and there seems to be an understated illumination to his demeanor through his words. i tend to feel that. i can always sense the deepest part of a person, through just the way they choose their form of sentences and how they say it.

..sometimes, i cannot even look a person in the eyes, because i am afraid of what i might see.

vincent had the words correctly for what I am most of the time. it is not that i am sad, or that even melancholy is considered a treacherous concept in my lifestyle. it's a stimulus. it catalyzes me, i know i am doing what is meant for it with good.

dear God.

you've been the ultimate apex in my mind. you've lifted me to inexpressible heights, only to drive me back down to the murkiest of depths. and even in that place of obscurity, i've learned to be allured ..and fixated on your wild nature. I trust no one other than you to cause my breath to lapse, and draw me into awe.

bury

i'd rather bury my head in books with endless pages,

change my identity.

and disappear completely.

relocate to a new foreign country,

where there i stay in a silent, winter city by the sea.

minutes from a thriving metropolis that

can swallow me whole in the mass booming population.

there i will be surrounded by foreigners- aliens of the elegant kind.

and i will resist to ever offend and disengage myself

in them as they will teach me a new language

and a new heritage all my own.

my mind and heart has been broken open.

for a reason.

winter is better in the dark

she spent all night encompassed in a nebulous mind. without any way of relieving her scattered thoughts, she retreated from her warm bed to escape into the wintery night. and in this explorative genesis; with the dew caressing her skin and the night wind's howl her only conversation, she was all at once clarified in her mind.

sometimes i revert to a place, i've never been. only in my mind, faricated from my imagination. i think, ..if i were to go there would it actually be all that i feel it would seem? or would i create the atmosphere around me.

sometimes i feel more connected with an inspiration than the reality of subjects and physical solidarity around me. it seeps in...then it vaporizes into the atmosphere.

this is the feel