silence makes the air between us burn.

"you should be in love with me.." he angrily exclaimed, and rose from his seat and stole a hot rage of breath only to send a pounding surge to his temples.

fist clenched.

"you're right,".. she momentarily set off in a daze, as if there was a dangling recollection or reminder of his gestures towards her floating in the stratosphere.

"but i can't feel the heartbeat of your words...your motions... your everlasting offerings of revolutions inside of me when you speak..."

"there  is no Light".

"it doesn't illuminate me towards Eternity."

"that is why," she exclaimed. taking a deep sigh, she turned her face towards the rising sun in the horizion.

leaving him to stare at the cold side of her head.

she closed her eyes.

".. you will only feel the ghost of me."

and feel only small vibrations of what you could become."

we are all just mad men gathering together in a room creating and burning our own personal fires, adding foliage to the slow burn, creating it into a collaborative consume.

i'm making the most exotic and ornate desserts, the healthiest known to man. im well on my way..

i spent my night here,
so i could meet you in the secret of your natural matter.

job 14'15

to live as a sphinx without a secret.

to pretend to be poor, yet have Immense wealth.

-proverbs 13'7

over hills and peaks, i'm astounded nonetheless. 

there's a light emitting from your eyes. and it's the only dividing factor that could ever capture me for you.

dream: tues. 3/23

i had a dream where i was on an old-fashioned bus, going to a foreboding destination that i did not know about. the year seemed around the time 1946..  as i sat looking down at my gloved hands i look to observe the back of the heads of men and women calmly sitting in their seats. dressed in dapper, elegant, vintage attire.  in their laps and stored above their heads were suitcases and duffle bags filled with their personal belongings. i lower my head to help myself quietly attend to my own business; trying to calm my flaming exterior and soothe my mind for the moments that lay ahead. to my left, i suddenly detected a grown, black business man quietly sobbing. he is the only man that i am sharing the last seat with as i turn to look intensely in his direction under my lowered gaze. he is sitting, elegantly dressed in handsome classic attire. under quiet sobs .." you know how it makes a man feel when you spend your entire life savings on this coat just so she can see you in it? just so you can make her feel proud. and now, ..all of this doesn't matter. all of this is being taken as if she will never even notice me"...already filled with intense passion my eyes start to soften under my pounding chest. keeping my head lowered as not to be detected, i mumbled in a quickened frenzy, "hurry... just take it from your duffle bag. i wont tell anyone. just hurry quickly..they wont suspect it". i seemed to be the only one on this bus besides him who showed any signs of emotion. it was as if the passengers were in a daze quietly accepting their fate, even if they did not know what that was. in my dream i already carried the suspicion with me that the place i was going, i will never come back from. a  voice comes on from the intercom as a pleasant, controlling drone. i began to stare down the barrel of the hallway of the bus and my eyes pass to each and every passenger. "make sure to leave your belongings with us, as you'll not need them anymore. do not carry your identification cards. violators with id cards will be arrested.." i quickly look over to him as he is the only one on the bus rummaging through his bags. in panicked urgency i quickly shot him a last stare and mumbled under my breath, ".. were about to come to the place. quickly..hide it!" . my eyes dart straight ahead, and my face creates a dead pan look as i instigate my mind  to melt into a drone-like stare. i zip up my white knitted, trench jacket. pull over the hood and prepare to assimilate that i never have "spoken" with him before. I am the only one on the bus that seems to have a touch of compassion and subdued, yet intensified  feelings. in my dream, i am urging myself not to make it obvious as they will surely detect my suspicions once i get off the bus.. i slowly felt through my waist under my coat, lay a small plastic license card. standing up as the bus came to a quickening halt, i hurried down the center hallway through the violently opened bus door way, as if i did not make myself obvious enough. i made it as the first one out. i feel the rain hit the top layer of my jacket and the inside where my body is encased, started to feel the heat of humidity. as i am rushing away my mind and heart are alert like piercing arrows, lingering in the air still open to any sign of their  detection and arrest. my ears suddenly pipe up to hear a halting yell as i turn to see men and women slowly filing out and the husky, handsome, well-dressed, troubled man i once talked to stop for questioning. they found him out. my eyes start to soften and my heart starts to swell with compassion and pain. "the poor man.." my mind began to wander. but i quickly fight against it and turn away. they mustn't see me like this.. especially moved to tears. they would never stand for that, and surely find me out for certain. as i am walking up,.. people i used to know galavant up to me. with recognizable faces, my arms and body long to embrace them. but.. it stopped short, once staring straight into their face: their mannerisms and body language are all too deceiving. they already  underwent the identification transference operation and all i was seeing was a woman of another soul straight in my friend's body. even the woman i was now talking to, was nothing like the close friend i used to know. i felt disgusted and immediately appalled by the deception. and the person already inhabiting my good friend's body, like that of robbing a temple, knew it. "she" quickly looked into my eyes and suspected it as well. "you're not lani..." i spoke to her in such a poisonous tone. too angry and upset, i could not look her in the eye and turned away. all that came out of this girlish exterior and fluffy demeanor was a nervous laugh and a tone that seemed to say ' yes, you're correct in saying i am not her but you'll see. all this will smooth over right away. and you'll start to believe me to be her in a couple of moments': "heh... silly girl, of course i'm lani. I've always been lani..there has never once been any other lani". i of course did not believe this to be true. "come,.. come with me" she urged, " to the dining hall.  we shall eat together, you come too peter! you shall eat with us too." some other male counterpart on my right has inadvertently joined us in our walk and conversation.  the way he started to talk and carouse with me, i suspected he was trying to make the 'impression' that were life-long friends and even subdued, understated lovers who have known this and each other for years. ... even though my mind most entirely knew: i've never met this man before in my entire life. but, in this strange, unspoken way: he and i both knew it. the seducing revelry in the atmosphere seemed to place your conscious, reasonable, composed mind under an invisible spell. as you entered the dining hall and were lavished with amusement, luxury, pleasure; there seemed to be an unsaid calculated chaos as you were set for the intention of distraction. trying to wean the horrible thought from your mind: that i will soon be replaced. the more i spend with this "lani" and "peter".. the more i started to miss the real girl i once knew. immediately between drinks, feathered fans, forced smiles, sweets, and fabricated laughs i continued to secretly think of her. the more i spent time with this lani, the more apparent it was that it was most certainly not and could never be: her. this woman who decided to steal the image and identity of my beloved friend's body was some frivolous, flirtatious, and even a bit degrading. you can see it plainly in her eyes that she was merely trying to be close to me because of her opportunistic nature. her smooth, velvet flirtatiousness only seemed to scream silently the hidden agenda of 'i want what you have and i dont care a thing about you. the reason i am hanging out with you in the first place is for the social status that you carry'.  then.. i woke up. i actually ..shot up from my sleep as if i've been sleeping for 5 years.

(press play first)

give it time..

when the light seeps in, and sets aglow the marks. emblazons the eternal fingerprints left before there was any identification of. 
give it time.
your Revelation will come. 
you're eternal birth will reveal itself. 
and no longer will the cold seem to create hollow tubes of unpromising, abandoned passage ways;
empty vessels forever searching in nomadic fruitlessness.

give it time. 
and the warmth will make itself at home in you.
it will live inside, and finally set your retinas ablaze.

You will see. So, you can finally perceive with untrained eyes.

your Spiritual eyes will awake upon it's first bloom.

your retinal buds will know true Light.

and with the dawning of a new sun; in the warmth planted in the seat of your chest,

the heat will start to grow and radiate.
causing your body to vibrate and swell.

you will feel your epidermis amplifying..

as one shedding skin.

as one rupturing from a stolid cocoon.

and all at once, 
you'll realize your true rebirth. 
We wrestle not against flesh or blood,
but true deliverance
in the Spirit.

my current inspiration.

studies have shown a link between manic depression and creativity. famous artists and writers such as walt whitman, vincent van gogh, william blake, and edgar allen poe all carried this attribute......hm


"So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress. "- vincent van gogh

midnight drip.

"to feel that you were destined for me, with implacable certainty"

and once you've dipped into the potent rivers, the minerals will seep into our understanding.

i am slipping into your translucency. you're waves and emblems will meet me where i sleep. 

i've heard you sing over me through the night. i've heard the messages in whispers of eternal truth rain down.. i am both terrified to come close and entranced with your intoxication to lay before you. submerge me in your depths and make me climb the way to your understanding. So i can reach the escalation of true vitality...: to look straight into your Eyes and have you capture, puncture, and pierce me from the inside out.

 

dear God
in hidden messages...
what dreams do you have for me.

i'm feeling a little tumultuous today...i both love and despise when this happens. it's as if my mind is going 1,000 miles per minute and i can't feel my physical body because my adrenaline is pumping at the overwhelming emotion speeding through my system. it was all catalyzed by a thought, and now it's hard to really come down from that cloud 9. i shouldnt even call it 'cloud 9'...it's not even pleasurable as some suspect it to be. it's sometimes,...exhausting. it's as if i have this injection of fueled energy and crazed  passion running through my nervous system and mental state that i it's impossible to think straight. it's hard when i have to do every-day tasks like washing the dishes. i have to take... frequent breaks from myself. and encase myself in a darkened, subdued room to calm down.

maybe i can watch, "pi" or "sleepy hollow" tonight.

(poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery- john keats)

i realized i only loved him in abstraction but not in person. it was the person itself that fought against his intangible soul. it was the ugly flesh that marred it's countenance and soiled his effervescent spirit. until it crushed both him and the mounting Truth in his eyes. nowI see him walk in a daze, bumping into walls and falling into corners only to claim them invisible. it's a shame.. because i would have loved him a million lifetimes. our love would have been that of things unspoken of. and made the heavens rejoice.

to you, (if you are to ever read)
"there is a holiness to the heart's affections of men, and you know nothing of that"..

i feel it in my bones. this quiet discontentment will soon as much rage a deep fire and overtake me. i hunger for it. my arms and body are quaking for this revolution in my spirit. it's a hot, hot heat that's seems to travel up my blood and makes itself evident in my eyes. it's something i cannot hide.. i've been ashamed of the will to. it's been more painful, during everyday conversation. with every draw of the bucket to try to catch eternal water from unfit wells or springs. i'm searching for the eternal spring. the Streams of living water. i'm searching for that eternal heat.
that Infinite glow.
that uncontrollable fire. that .. that..
 but very few could i unleash this with. very few choose to burn lamps together;
very few will turn their back on safety and come in search for this lost island with me. this eternal spring. this appalling mountain that must be climbed to reach it.
i'm not afraid of surrender...
the risk, .. the climb, the unhinging search, makes this all the more worth it..


only to have in place of it, my eternal identity.
there's something beautiful and unrelenting to me about being consumed.
being scorched and charred;
riveted out of my seat with something that can never be from another.
surrendering to something that will surely, as it should, take your control away.
i'm not afraid. in fact i long for it, as one maddeningly running through the dessert,
 for just a glimpse of that eternal stream in the darkness.

Originally uploaded by .ultraviolett

i feel euphoric.

I've set out in the world to find the ultimate, ruthlessly healthy dark chocolate. If anyone knows me, they'd understand that dark chocolate along with my intensely dark teas go well hand in hand. I am not much of a "sweets" person. But ..when I find out it is full of antioxidants and nutritional benefits, I am all over it.

Although I eat some of the most elaborate, exotic, inventive dishes.. one of my favorite desserts ..is purely simple: chilled, organic peanut butter and dark chocolate.

going through the typical shopping isles didn't seem to do it justice for what I was looking for.. I think i had this insatiable hunger for finding the quality of things. i think it's healthy. the best things in life, are hidden. And those who find them relish it more. not only that, but preserve it's purity. I ended up searching online for the healthiest, tastiest peanut butter and found this product: Pb2 powdered peanut butter

now, this is not to be confused with normal peanut butter... it is actually a powder that creates it's desired thickness by just adding water...:o not only that,  but it also comes in chocolate. the nutritional benefits on this are considerably unbelievable. i like that it blow me away. 

Also, .. this is the intense dark chocolate that I found through my search. not only is it venturing up to the 85% cocoa intensity..:o but reading the production of how they make this product and where most of it's proceeds go.. it will make you think twice of settling for any kind of 'sweets'.  that is what i think is best in finding the quality of things. most people who take any staple, mainstream product blindly tend to think that the rest of the world 'agrees' or that it's shaped around that one understanding of how that product portrays an image to the masses. maybe if we all dug a little deeper, we'd find that things are not shaped the same.

--->alter eco dark chocolate

735am: i like how it feels when one day blurs to the next, ..suddenly 3:10am doesnt seem too late. or too early

(teaaddictionshouldbetheonlydrug)

 by this time,

 i'm your ultimate dealer.

"I know you very well" he whispered.
she felt the dense cold within her wither and disintegrate;
the warmth traveled across her body
and she wept over her cheeks and nose.
she breathed out a tattered sigh
and slowly felt her arms wrap around him
in a sign of trust.
the hair on her arms stood on end and gleamed in the distant light.
"you don't have to hide anymore".
he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and his hands started shaking as the power of the words long kept silent, began to surface.
the emotion began to both gratify and terrify him.
"I've studied and felt the weight of your thoughts in my sleep."

"I'll take good care of you", he said.
"And together we'll saturate the hands of time."

Blood Bank - Bon Iver

Thank you: Lani Milton & Dalton Flint

how beautiful this perception. just stare at it for some time. 

it always does something to me.

lace traces

vinyls

fendi f/w 2010.

... now for a way to translate them into street wear, every day.

the texture and avant garde pieces seem to transcend any 'novice' term of gothic. it is not even about the look, but the texture of the pieces. the 'airy', mystified semblance of deep, methodical, reflective thought mixed with a street wear. the only thing I would try to change in these pieces, is add a mixture of very ornate, ethnic tribal wear (that of jewelry and head pieces) to this ensemble. i think it would give it another temperature.

take some time

mmmm

i would like to dress like the character "bang bang" .. in the brother's bloom.

(minus) the smoking and gun slinging, oh no.

this whole entire film is based on sophisticated edge, with an odd, unique mixture of nostalgic playfulness set in a modernized tone. the lines are blurred between the present day and a throwback of european charm. superbly dressed and styled. there is a sophisticated edge to every scene by the statement of their clothes and attire. simply by (whomever) styled these characters, set the mood, tempo, and vibe of the film. I'm sure it helped every single character to feel completely engrossed in the their role. Whoever styled this film, I am completely astounded.


Not only that, but the same man affiliated with my other favorite movie "Brick" is the same man to direct this film: Rian Johnson. I did not know that until afterwards.. what a fun surprise!