I find myself being the epitome of a contradiction these days.

i say this in a way, where it gets very hard to find myself, easily placed in the puzzle pieces of the social norms..

i was invited out dancing, was given access to a nice vip section, was treated well, given beverages I didn't consume and asked for water, ...dressed well and still found myself emulsified in a quietly lit room, completely content relaxing on a feather embodied couch. alone and in deep thought. I am not one easily requiring of immediate and overwhelming attention, ...i just want gentleness. Truth...goodness in the midst of all of this.

I was given access to a high-end club, ..but found myself wandering outside on the front deck, in the freezing cold, purposely without a jacket, staring up at the fading night sky, teeth chattering, past the high-rise lofts, ..eyes slowly closing in and out. and searching and feeling for the warmth of truth in this atmosphere.

halfway wishing to be at the frozen yogurt cafe across the street. with someone.

someone who is an expert in nonverbal communication.

when i came home the humbling look of my mom sleeping and the warmth of my familiar bed and pajamas was the most excitement i felt.

i popped my retainers in, as soon as i was in the car driving in route for home. and i knew,....the aesthetics, my appearance can all be very deceiving in the disconnect.