once they see you're a fraud, you could never go back to it's elasticity and potency.. because it was never really your's to begin with. all that was you, was meant to be stretched anyway. and every being has it's time under the sun, until the resiliency of their young minds give way and then they are left back into the fetal state. who are they then? what is breathing but the dancing of atoms residing in recycled air of ghosts that walked this earth, long ago past. only to disatisfyingly have their life stories repeated in another young man's body who thinks he holds the world on his shoulders, like atlas.. are they all broken kings and self-proclaimed wise-man? for the truly wise do not even think themselves wise, and the wisdom they attain should bring them to their knees more so than give them a broadened exterior. ..
and who will Listen to a voice calling in the storm and a light shining in the dark if the darkness all but seems light to them? their eyes have adusted and they've gone into dementia, where white is now black, and snow is sunshine and spring.

will this be enough to suffice their minds to a challenge? ..because that's all they really want right? ..a challenge. to prove their self worth, and maybe to ease their own hunger for self-importance. or maybe even to prove that they are alive.

that's all they ever really need right..

if we go down to the very root of things, past the portions where intellect creates a stable exterior, we are all born with uncanny and uncontrollable desires, that we- even ourselves are afraid to admit we like and still hate. it's a fierce secret, a pacified inner life, that causes our spirit, body and soul to divide in a way which causes each of it's own 'philosophies' to contradict themselves.

i like the moments of silence. when no one is watching, but i am.

i want to attain that gentle weightlessness of a soul that is combined midair against the Spirit. And in this holy moment, he is transforming me. I've witnessed false fires call, dance, and entice me. but, nothing can compare. nothing can attain what has already been taken, smitten, and revived me from the purest of Truth. it has burned such a place in me that no other hole in history of my own lifetime could be filled with nothing than the other.

i want to feel the transformation of his freshness over me. again I want to rise, like the fingertips of a new morning.
a quiet masterpiece. a secret culmination. a hidden thought,. an unforgotten dream, all of this seems tangible to my heart at this moment.

all of this has been a deep fire kindling within me.

mind warp.

do you believe we only see people, in the way we see ourselves..?
think of the people you know at this moment, or choose to reside in associating with.
do you intrinsically (but inadvertently) choose them because they somehow instill or remind you, of you?...

I was never one to need that type of reassurance. nor was i ever one to inherently rebel against something, for the sake of completely not being what was described. well anyway.... i just feel one of three things mostly right now:

1. people should not be used as stepping stones, block, or paper weights for something that is not able to be controlled.
2. it is very inhibiting to them & yourself to only think double faceted in a multi faceted life..
3. it is very selfish to seek 'yourself' in others, ..you'll never find it.

connected as One

lately..

boards of cananda

radiohead

flying lotus

idiot pilot

interpol

jon hopkins

lukid

milosh

mirror pal

phaseone

syntaks

telepopmusik

weezer

blur

cool hand luke

yndi halda

mono

afta-1

Oct. 21 2009

my heart is your ocean. it's yours, to forever swim in.

I find myself being the epitome of a contradiction these days.

i say this in a way, where it gets very hard to find myself, easily placed in the puzzle pieces of the social norms..

i was invited out dancing, was given access to a nice vip section, was treated well, given beverages I didn't consume and asked for water, ...dressed well and still found myself emulsified in a quietly lit room, completely content relaxing on a feather embodied couch. alone and in deep thought. I am not one easily requiring of immediate and overwhelming attention, ...i just want gentleness. Truth...goodness in the midst of all of this.

I was given access to a high-end club, ..but found myself wandering outside on the front deck, in the freezing cold, purposely without a jacket, staring up at the fading night sky, teeth chattering, past the high-rise lofts, ..eyes slowly closing in and out. and searching and feeling for the warmth of truth in this atmosphere.

halfway wishing to be at the frozen yogurt cafe across the street. with someone.

someone who is an expert in nonverbal communication.

when i came home the humbling look of my mom sleeping and the warmth of my familiar bed and pajamas was the most excitement i felt.

i popped my retainers in, as soon as i was in the car driving in route for home. and i knew,....the aesthetics, my appearance can all be very deceiving in the disconnect.