"The most ideal place for me is the one in which it is most natural to live as a foreigner" 

-italo calvino

I find, i cannot ask for much these days..excepting the intensifying soaking up of the sensations around me in the atmosphere. 

maybe in emptiness,.. there is a sense of awe.

in estrangement .. and isolation to the common,.. there is a Holiness that abounds in all of it. and surrounding it.

in the lack of, ..there is a cherishing when the moment placates itself to you, for just that moment.

memories don't become notches in the bark of a traveler's list of things to "do" or experience,

..but it becomes a consecutively, syndicated, cinematic revelation; instigated and replayed over and over again in the haunting moments and hours before drifting off to sleep- it is replayed until it is Everything you wanted to remember it to be.

in each instigation, of the sensation to 'the Memory': 

it is rarefied and taken with you as trinkets of a warming sensation

i can't say i know what it feels like.

but i yearn.

nightly... i have been having recurring visions of this symbolic tunnel i am entering.
it is more like a warp hole or a portal..
i know it is a fortelling of all that i will be entering.
and never being able to look back.

..every time i close my eyes
it's there.
it reappears in tangible levels;
in vibrant and detailed colors each time.

when staring 'into the tunnel, it seems to quake..
for the new.

inner (intuitive) representation.

from the work of 

© Julie Calbert

vegetarian

evoke/provoke

restless.

 at the best-.. of the best.

my roots are growing insatiable; .. hungering and aching.

..but (particular) in choosing.
an acquired taste has always been the appetite of my semblance.

belong here.

the breakdown... 11/28/10

i drove all night, in an aimless repetition of an attempt to appease my already quelling and eruptive soul.
..there are times when things.. just begin to unravel.
like an unleashing, of rapturous emotion that proves detrimental to my unprepared and unresolved psyche. my identity wasn’t prepared for this.

..it’s like the leaking tear of a statuesque ‘Madona’ or ..the unsettling noticeable human characteristic of a mannequin. that has too close of a resemblance of human eyes...

..this machine, this robot is leaking and breaking down.

i went out to the unfamiliar estranged streets of the night, trying to escape; traveling on endless, ghost roads, ..all enclosing  in on me.

I just tried to breathe the moist air to feel something, anything..  sweet,.. to encapsulate my lungs.
 and every look and gaze that i turned to, was a shadow; a reminder of the unreachable. and my longing nostalgia to return to the warm encircling arms of a memory.
but i felt as if my skin on this body of my new life didn’t belong there..
with every turn back, the feeling of my body burned...
both of a placation to excitement to the next level or a warning.

..every where i turned, i just wanted someone to call (home).
I just wanted to look into clear, blue eyes.. and find the reassurance that he will stay.
someone, .. someone.. someone.. must stay.

this transferrable life is breaking down... the already cold surface of my skin,
 is all i need to want the warm touch of his human nature; to remind me of my ..intrinsic human reality.  something not packaged and showcased in 'box-like’ formulation or intentions.
i feel  i’m losing my grasp on the organic of understanding.. the human nature of (true)connection..

 i found.. in between gasps of lonely air that night;..
 the blurred  vision of an isolated drive of night gazing,  in between people; street lights and quickly-swept tears.. that every gasp was  an attempt of  filling up, anything that would show signs of this reassurance.
as if it could exist for me,  for just this moment. in between breaths, if i could close my eyes and imagine it.
and let it materialize in front of me.

© 

flickr

don’t feel normal anymore.

..art school has gotten to me.

i feel 1/2 alive all the time.

as if I live two lives into one.

I’m this [-----------------] much closer to passing the tipping point.

..I feel myself going over the edge.

I feel it is the healthiest point of my existence thus far.

I won’t recognize myself fast forward 3 months from now.

..everything, ...everything is fast-forwarding at an accelerated rate.

when you live in a world that is encapsulated and.. worked into the very fiber and emblem of  your destiny through“art”...your mindset starts to change.

things are seen in an unparalleled manner. reality and the sensations that follow tend to compete with the mindset of the agitated, closed in masses around you.

condemnation to adhere or a stifling un accessed mindset seem like heavy gates closing in or rocks thrown at an ornate, elegant, translucent sail getting ready to unfurl.

everything.. everything. everything starts to become transferable. everything you desire starts to reach out and  touch the breaking point of the ‘eternal’.

You start to feel more than you’ve ever dared yourself to dangerously feel;

than you have ever allowed yourself to amorously go.

....when you start to Embody and become an idea..

..you start to engulf into the desires and convictions that you have cognitively been aware to adhere to since birth..

...then everything that once was 2-D and one step away from a tangible grasp, starts to jump  off the page and congeal into the type of inherit reality.

for the sake of this.... everyone is no longer a physical monument.

But more-so, an illuminated moment on the scape  of your intangible, emotional memory.

 And in this state, your emotions are just as impressible as two unexplored bodies.. unpronounced for the first time.

the scape of  your mind starts to elevate and the truth about the exploration for truth through the unexplainable becomes clearer.

no longer, is a look.. a visual.. a piece of artwork an “appeasement” to the unquenched sensual soul, but now a pin-point on the map of your sole journey to Eternity.

in my understanding,

..this always leads to that.

with every touch, in the physical.

it creates monumental moments;

wavelengths that cover mountains and drown monuments,

in the Spiritual.

i’ve been living a life 1/2 way alive, 1/2 in the intangible.

i have lived the most ‘unscrupulous’ life, and i only want it to accelerate more.

every aesthetic sensitivity,

every aesthetic expression

has only caused it to be (more) than just the physical impression.

[reel]