my teleportation to 2011.

© Jessica Castro

Shinta Tea Lounge in Russia

i thrive on the subconscious. 

that is all i can really rely on these days.

all i can relate to, are words with thoughts and fragmented cinematic images.

i feel i am experiencing a whole other world,

stuck in an untapped galaxy behind this advent, maddeningly throbbing chest

and mind.

everything i can explain is only set to symbolic images.

and even if i try to articulate

everything is congealed and liquified to a slow-churning drone.

it's as if this world and the next do not want me to translate.

(at least verbally).

and those...yes

those who take  the heavy task at hand,

 to decipher

to ultimately "solve" me from myself;

unlock the riddle and submerge themselves therein;

run away with me 

disappear

and  never come back..

traverse the plains of this untapped world,

everything inside me has become a maze within a mecca.

a holy place only meant to be shared by two.

and in that two,

the One 

can thread the needle between

only causing holes of distinction and 

connections between 

that no one can erase or reproduce.

michael cina / ghost skin.

i’m only 19, but my mind is older

i’m trying to find you.. Inside me  once again.

please

hibernate

i can live off of this in hibernation. this + perpetual hot tea.

inner connectedness.

‘death from euphoria'

'drenched kittens’.

"The most ideal place for me is the one in which it is most natural to live as a foreigner" 

-italo calvino

I find, i cannot ask for much these days..excepting the intensifying soaking up of the sensations around me in the atmosphere. 

maybe in emptiness,.. there is a sense of awe.

in estrangement .. and isolation to the common,.. there is a Holiness that abounds in all of it. and surrounding it.

in the lack of, ..there is a cherishing when the moment placates itself to you, for just that moment.

memories don't become notches in the bark of a traveler's list of things to "do" or experience,

..but it becomes a consecutively, syndicated, cinematic revelation; instigated and replayed over and over again in the haunting moments and hours before drifting off to sleep- it is replayed until it is Everything you wanted to remember it to be.

in each instigation, of the sensation to 'the Memory': 

it is rarefied and taken with you as trinkets of a warming sensation

i can't say i know what it feels like.

but i yearn.

nightly... i have been having recurring visions of this symbolic tunnel i am entering.
it is more like a warp hole or a portal..
i know it is a fortelling of all that i will be entering.
and never being able to look back.

..every time i close my eyes
it's there.
it reappears in tangible levels;
in vibrant and detailed colors each time.

when staring 'into the tunnel, it seems to quake..
for the new.