..i think i've gone insane half the time in my mind.

and have been able to shield and shelter it from the surface ever since.

wish list

specifically designed clothing by maceo

Gas'd Clothing

"provocations: spiritual writings of kierkegaard"

japanese jigsaw puzzles:

http://imaginatorium.org/shop/fujisiro.htm

(any of them)

lomography camera

diana f+

loose-leaf green tea

arceus plush

the collected works of kahil gibran

skull candy :lowrider headphones

audio technica at pl 60

i like going down to the very minute of things. i don't mind being so close to the ground, that im a part of the elements. I dont need a lot of flashing lights and esteem to reassure the fact that i exist. in fact, im allergic to it.

it causes sickness to your soul anyway.

ive made it incompatible with what ive known to be held so close to my heart.

I only have one audience. one internal dialogue, one internal compass running through my brain. when i have a vision that is above me, i leap for it and never expect the ground.

"Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden."

- Red Moon Rising

i've been transiting from this moment to the next, lately..i've been caught up in the cold of the night and it doesn't seem to do me no harm. i've been lazing and gleaning through window sills and slowly taking it all in. it feels like a minty cold air,..running thru my nostrils.

this is the feel.

lately i've been listening to ...what has described my personality lately.

radiohead "where i end and you begin"

boards of canada "sixtyten"

telepopmusik "last train to wherever"

starflyer 59 -the fashion focus album.

coolhandluke "failing in love"

beck "broken drum" (boards of canada remix)

(old) underoath "salmarnir"

ember emission

everyone drops out.

everyone drops out...

will this be my fate too?

im standing on the ground watching here as my transparent soul dangles above the masses, up front above the heads who've either watched captivated for admiration or waiting to ridicule in disdain.

i spoke whispers to those captive on the other side, in a country who made promises of so-called freedom and whispered stories of home.. and the warmth that soon ensued with every word i spoke, became embers that warmed their skin and set their face aglow..

i left them insatiable, only for them to taste of what is yet to be Seen.

and to invite them to cross over enemy lines with me.

running effortlessly through a wolf pack, ...sliding elusively between walls, found on the other side. can this go on forever? hanging around here,.. while continually being a spy. my emblem and identity is not here,.. and overthrowing the system of what has seeped in to make their skin dull, that devours their ability to resuscitate, and bring them to a new reason why.

can it be that there is such a thing as a holy rebellion in this place?... where the need for a Rescue is everything but, kept to those who bear the Light.

madness.

i remember the first time i ever had my heart broken.

it was the worst experience a person's emotional psyche could go through.

it was as if my body felt emotions that were conjured up from some invisible or highly repressed thought-life of mine, that i never knew could actually come to the surface and surprise me.. i was enraged,..to feel.

it was a sensory output, that i was terribly afraid of.

it was as if the pain was so vivid, vibrant, and scorchingly loud throughout my body, it rang through my central nervous system where it seemed to influence and inhibit everything that i perceived.

my perception was warped to a terrible sickness where paranoia seemed the norm. a disease where all of humanity was trying to find the cure, but not necessarily..

it was the implications and stabbing double-side of love, that people knew about, but gladly walked into it without realizing it's powerful and all-encompassing effects. it is only until after you realize your standing in the center of the eye of this hurricane , that you stop in wonder and the walls of memories around you.

...maybe why we are so attracted to the battles of life and the pain that came from an emotional upheaval shared by only two people in the entire universe, is because of the closeness it seemingly brings. in it's own sadistic way, yes, some of us 'young hearts' are drawn to that.

this insatiable need to place their heart into something that has a 50 percent chance for the trap to close.

maybe, it's an indication of what we were all conditioned to do.

to be human, is to feel. yes,..we know.

but, to feel in the most Holiest of ways. to walk that life and breath out, in a way where each one was not wasted. to put our strain into something.. Those places and moments that, as the the tide turns, our investment becomes more and more refined into gold...rather than deprecated with every turn of the clock.

we were meant to put our investment into something tangible,..Eternal.

to...not let our emotions, our feelings, our intrinsic life be wasted..even if we forget them, they are not.

we are not a dying breath, we are not all lost souls, flying loose in the savage winds.

we are not meant to be understood,

..because the love of God is abstract.

i'm kind of strange, you won't like me

hide

once in a while.

i get these feelings, where i want to dissipate into the atmosphere.

become a fly on the wall.

disappear for a while.

the ghost of you no longer lingers..

and every word you spoke, relinquished the hooks from their holes.

"goodbye"