"Most people think models live such a glamorous life and make a shit load of money. It’s really not like that. Travels can be exhausting, you’re running around the city and you’re basically always in a rush. People expect you to look and feel great every day and then there is the waiting: Waiting at the airport to get on the plane, waiting for the metro, waiting in line at the casting with 200 guys ahead, waiting 3h for the show to start, waiting to finally get paid, waiting for the option to get confirmed, waiting for the magazine to come out, waiting to get home to see your family and friends again after months away."
...-berthold rothas
male model

aesthetic lick.

sometimes,...

you just know what defines you.

(close to warm my eyes)

i took communion today...

..and I really meant it.

...I closed my eyes  and all I saw was Him

and all I wanted was this..
i closed my eyes tightly till everything inside me
was darkened to a shrouded glow,
and all i wanted,
was to dissipate and let Him reside..
i just wanted it to last forever.

...I believe in intimacy.

not just with people or men..but just with intimacy ...

Intimacy in speaking...

Intimacy in listening ..

in painting..in tasting..

in everything..

in the silences  in between.
in the substantial and saturated;
preserved moments..

it is like intently watching the illimitable fountain of youth for it to outpour.
waiting till it bubbles up and  flows,
meticulously cradling every drop,
as if every moment of what you knew in the past was gone.
and Every new moment by this very taste of the future budded into
innumerable New beginnings.

....this is how it feels like.

I realized, i dont want to waste my emotions and fervor on things with punctured
holes and back-door entrances.

I want to funnel it into everything  full.
vivid
 and satisfying;
 feel it
fill me,
 in between the lines.

drones/ 12. 2. 2010

I am convinced there is nothing more deadening than suburbia to your senses...

 

It's as if people are wrapped in cellophane to create a seemingly simulated "safe-haven".

when in reality.. it is really starving them from the beautiful, irregular, unrehearsed, cultural, varied realities of true life, that ebb and flow.

..i mean, it's as if it has literally caused them to be afraid of the air.

 [I am a square peg in a round hole],

always.. always.. always.

my teleportation to 2011.

© Jessica Castro

Shinta Tea Lounge in Russia

i thrive on the subconscious. 

that is all i can really rely on these days.

all i can relate to, are words with thoughts and fragmented cinematic images.

i feel i am experiencing a whole other world,

stuck in an untapped galaxy behind this advent, maddeningly throbbing chest

and mind.

everything i can explain is only set to symbolic images.

and even if i try to articulate

everything is congealed and liquified to a slow-churning drone.

it's as if this world and the next do not want me to translate.

(at least verbally).

and those...yes

those who take  the heavy task at hand,

 to decipher

to ultimately "solve" me from myself;

unlock the riddle and submerge themselves therein;

run away with me 

disappear

and  never come back..

traverse the plains of this untapped world,

everything inside me has become a maze within a mecca.

a holy place only meant to be shared by two.

and in that two,

the One 

can thread the needle between

only causing holes of distinction and 

connections between 

that no one can erase or reproduce.